When I was a kid, I was taught that wrongs should be righted. If someone hit you on the playground, the expectation was that the other child would approach you, apologize for their behavior, and that a responsible adult would further punish the child for their crime. At times, this is the way life is scripted and carried out. When someone does something wrong, others see, and we work to correct the offense. We take care of the hurt one even while we punish the offender.
But what happens when no one sees the offense?
The sense of injustice when someone hurts you and the offense is unseen, never recognized, and justice is not served is crushing.
Who tends to the wound if no one has seen the cut, or bruise, or verbal lashing out?
Who punishes the offender when no one else has witnessed the harm done?
How does the child trust that they are safe, that they will be protected, or that justice will be done when unseen offenses occur?
Yet this is just what happens for many children who are wounded by those who are expected to be their protectors: their parents. Although physical abuse and neglect may become apparent to outsiders, the number of children who are abused or neglected yet remain undetected remains unknown. Those children who endure verbal, emotional, or psychological abuse and neglect may only be revealed years later.
The Walking Wounded
The walking wounded, these children whose abuse has remained undetected, carry around pain, shame, guilt, and blame. They grow into adulthood with skewed views of themselves, struggling to develop healthy interpersonal relationships, and experiencing long-term depression, anxiety, or addictive behaviors. The world has proven to them to be the same as their abusers: undependable, fickle, and distant.
What if the wounded one is you? How can you right the wrong, find justice, begin healing?
The process begins by exploring and telling your story. The traumatic experiences of childhood abuse and neglect, or parentification for others, robs the child of her story and voice. The emotions of this little one were not considered, given space to be expressed and tended to openly. Telling the story requires a hearer, someone that we can safely tell what happened.
Healing often looks different than we hope, and often occurs apart from those who wounded us.
Finding a Safe Helper
Finding someone who can be trusted is difficult for adults who grew up in abusive, neglectful homes, or whose role was to care exclusively for their parent. Their inner compass doesn’t point north the way it should. Although not all therapists are safe people, it’s often a great place to start.
How can you know if someone is safe? Trust your gut. Clinically, we call this congruence (incongruence). We’ve been told to ignore or stuff these warnings by many people. Let’s be clear, the unsafe people force us to quiet or ignore our gut because it’s only when we do that they can gain power and maintain control.
This can be challenging because the child of abuse, neglect, or parentification has had to quiet their intuition to survive. Some questions to ask yourself when meeting with a therapist for the first time include:
- How do I feel around this person? Though we’ve often been told to ignore our “gut” (clinically we call this congruence/incongruence) in childhood, listen to it here.
- What is their demeanor when I talk? Do they lean in to listen, or are they buried in notetaking?
- Whose side are they on? (A safe therapist should be on your side, yet able to challenge unhealthy habits. There’s a difference between being able to challenge a client’s actions and being able to embrace their experiences as real and valid.)
- What type of experience/specialized training do they have? Does it align with family systems issues or trauma? If not, it’s okay to ask for a referral.
- How much will this cost me? Not every provider is contracted with insurance, or possibly not with your insurance. If you can’t afford to see the provider regularly, it will be challenging to make progress. Not impossible but challenging. Not sure how to find out who might be contracted with your insurance? Call the member services number on the back of your insurance card and ask for a list of contracted mental health providers.
Consider looking for a counselor via Psychology Today, Therapist.com, or TherapyDen. If you’re an adult child, look for counselors who specialize in trauma and family therapy even if you plan to do individual counseling sessions. And of course, if you are open to telehealth and reside in Washington State, send me a message to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation at ceci@cecigarrett.com!
