One of the most challenging aspects of having a family member or other loved one who hoards is that they often don’t see their relationship with their things and the condition of their house as being problematic. If there is a problem, it is not the person who is acquiring and saving but others’ views of what is happening. At least, that’s how it often plays out.

In families affected by hoarding, an unhealthy family dynamic often exists. We don’t talk about the problem. We don’t trust outsiders with the information. We don’t allow ourselves to feel deeply what is is happening in our households. Many families begin a complicated dance with those who hoard (TWH), a construct called accommodation.

To be clear, if you have a parent or other older family member who was responsible for raising you, accommodation may look like abuse and/or neglect at times. In these settings, accommodation is NOT something that is actively chosen. Even in marital relationships, accommodation occurs that may not be equated with choice.

Accommodation, I believe, is well-meaning. Most of us dislike seeing others struggle or in pain and conflict. Because this is uncomfortable to watch, we shift our behaviors and let down our boundaries to make “the other person feel better.” Yet there are times when discomfort is absolutely necessary for others to experience! If we accommodate their avoidance behaviors and/or reward boundary violations, we may be robbing them of the natural consequences of their anxiety or other uncomfortable emotional states that would propel them toward the treatment that they need.

As adult children, it is never our responsibility to accommodate our parent’s mental illness, especially when doing so puts our own physical, emotional, psychological, and financial health at risk. Even as spouses or siblings, it is not ours to take control of a problematic situation to make those who hoard (TWH) more comfortable.

Discomfort is a normative part of life that precipitates change and drives growth. Pain indicates a need for healing. What if we have been raised to reduce or remediate the very situations that might drive those who hoard (TWH) to get professional care? What if my need to fix or rescue my parent who hoards (PWH) or other person with hoarding behaviors is a distraction from the real problem? For sure, there are instances where we must act to protect the innocent or vulnerable from abuse and neglect, but there are ways to do this while still holding those who hoard (TWH) responsible for dealing with their mental illness.

How were you taught to accommodate those who hoard (TWH) in your family? What does that look like? Whose problem is the hoarding? Who is actively taking responsibility for it? How does this need to change?