Whose Problem is it Anyway?

Whose Problem is it Anyway?

by | Jan 2, 2023 | Uncategorized

 One of the most challenging aspects of having a family member or other loved one who hoards is that they often don’t see their relationship with their things and the condition of their house as being problematic. If there is a problem, it is not the person who is acquiring and saving but others’ views of what is happening. At least, that’s how it often plays out.

In families affected by hoarding, an unhealthy family dynamic often exists. We don’t talk about the problem. We don’t trust outsiders with the information. We don’t allow ourselves to feel deeply what is is happening in our households. Many families begin a complicated dance with those who hoard (TWH), a construct called accommodation.

To be clear, if you have a parent or other older family member who was responsible for raising you, accommodation may look like abuse and/or neglect at times. In these settings, accommodation is NOT something that is actively chosen. Even in marital relationships, accommodation occurs that may not be equated with choice.

Accommodation, I believe, is well-meaning. Most of us dislike seeing others struggle or in pain and conflict. Because this is uncomfortable to watch, we shift our behaviors and let down our boundaries to make “the other person feel better.” Yet there are times when discomfort is absolutely necessary for others to experience! If we accommodate their avoidance behaviors and/or reward boundary violations, we may be robbing them of the natural consequences of their anxiety or other uncomfortable emotional states that would propel them toward the treatment that they need.

As adult children, it is never our responsibility to accommodate our parent’s mental illness, especially when doing so puts our own physical, emotional, psychological, and financial health at risk. Even as spouses or siblings, it is not ours to take control of a problematic situation to make those who hoard (TWH) more comfortable.

Discomfort is a normative part of life that precipitates change and drives growth. Pain indicates a need for healing. What if we have been raised to reduce or remediate the very situations that might drive those who hoard (TWH) to get professional care? What if my need to fix or rescue my parent who hoards (PWH) or other person with hoarding behaviors is a distraction from the real problem? For sure, there are instances where we must act to protect the innocent or vulnerable from abuse and neglect, but there are ways to do this while still holding those who hoard (TWH) responsible for dealing with their mental illness.

How were you taught to accommodate those who hoard (TWH) in your family? What does that look like? Whose problem is the hoarding? Who is actively taking responsibility for it? How does this need to change?

 

Ceci Garrett

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Celebrating!

by | Sep 16, 2022 | COH, hoarding, recovery

I just wanted to take a brief pause to stop and celebrate the reach of the Parents Who Hoard guided workbook that I released in May. To date, more than 100 individuals have downloaded the free workbook. That means that 100 people have gained access to a practical resource that can help them pre-plan a future intervention with a parent who hoards (PWH). This is something to celebrate!

Why celebrate this? For many reasons.

For those who grow up in a household where a parent’s hoarding is a mitigating factor, there are often unique cultures that exist invisibly. Cultural norms such as birthday parties, holiday celebrations, and such may not have found room in these households. (We once had a Christmas tree on display for a decade…talk about falling outside of cultural norms!)

So learning to celebrate things that seem obvious to others is new for us. I hosted my very first birthday party this summer. I was celebrating my 46th birthday. Yet the idea of throwing my own party and having people choose to come to celebrate with me was new. It was a great experience.

So today, won’t you pause and find a way to celebrate?

I’m excited that the workbook reaches those who need help and hope. So I’m celebrating that.

What are you going to celebrate today? I’d love to hear about your growth and healing!

Ceci Garrett

Milestone: 50 Downloads!

by | Jul 26, 2022 | Uncategorized

Thank you to each and every one of the amazing people who have helped share the word about the FREE! downloadable workbook I created. I released it online back in May after reading many posts from adult children (like myself) who were struggling to know whether they should intervene on their parent who hoards’ (PWH) behalf.

It is such an honor to create and deliver such a unique and powerful resource to a population close to my heart.

If you are an adult child with a PWH still trying to figure out what you’re going to do when everything comes tumbling down, I encourage you to download and work through the questions before crisis strikes. If crisis is upon you, it’s not too late. My design is to be systematic and easy enough to complete in an afternoon.

And, ultimately, remember that only you know what is best for you. It’s not selfish to choose not to intervene. On the other hand, for some adult children, it may be appropriate to participate in your PWH’s intervention team. The guide isn’t designed to tell you what to do, but instead to help you decide on the best course of action for you.

Thank you for supporting this population by sharing the resource.

Ceci Garrett
Seeking Healing From Outside

Seeking Healing From Outside

by | Jun 14, 2022 | COH, healing, mental health, therapist

When I was a kid, I was taught that wrongs should be righted. If someone hit you on the playground, the expectation was that the other child would approach you, apologize for their behavior, and that a responsible adult would further punish the child for their crime. At times, this is the way life is scripted and carried out. When someone does something wrong, others see, and we work to correct the offense. We take care of the hurt one even while we punish the offender.

But what happens when no one sees the offense?

Healing Outside
Photo by Hossein Ezzatkhah at Unsplash

The sense of injustice when someone hurts you and the offense is unseen, never recognized, and justice is not served is crushing.

Who tends to the wound if no one has seen the cut, or bruise, or verbal lashing out?

Who punishes the offender when no one else has witnessed the harm done?

How does the child trust that they are safe, that they will be protected, or that justice will be done when unseen offenses occur?

Yet this is just what happens for many children who are wounded by those who are expected to be their protectors: their parents. Although physical abuse and neglect may become apparent to outsiders, the number of children who are abused or neglected yet remain undetected remains unknown. Those children who endure verbal, emotional, or psychological abuse and neglect may only be revealed years later.

The Walking Wounded

The walking wounded, these children whose abuse has remained undetected, carry around pain, shame, guilt, and blame. They grow into adulthood with skewed views of themselves, struggling to develop healthy interpersonal relationships, and experiencing long-term depression, anxiety, or addictive behaviors. The world has proven to them to be the same as their abusers: undependable, fickle, and distant.

What if the wounded one is you? How can you right the wrong, find justice, begin healing?

The process begins by exploring and telling your story. The traumatic experiences of childhood abuse and neglect, or parentification for others, robs the child of her story and voice. The emotions of this little one were not considered, given space to be expressed and tended to openly. Telling the story requires a hearer, someone that we can safely tell what happened.

Healing often looks different than we hope, and often occurs apart from those who wounded us.

Finding a Safe Helper

Finding someone who can be trusted is difficult for adults who grew up in abusive, neglectful homes, or whose role was to care exclusively for their parent. Their inner compass doesn’t point north the way it should. Although not all therapists are safe people, it’s often a great place to start.

How can you know if someone is safe? Trust your gut. Clinically, we call this congruence (incongruence). We’ve been told to ignore or stuff these warnings by many people. Let’s be clear, the unsafe people force us to quiet or ignore our gut because it’s only when we do that they can gain power and maintain control.

This can be challenging because the child of abuse, neglect, or parentification has had to quiet their intuition to survive. Some questions to ask yourself when meeting with a therapist for the first time include:

  • How do I feel around this person? Though we’ve often been told to ignore our “gut” (clinically we call this congruence/incongruence) in childhood, listen to it here.
  • What is their demeanor when I talk? Do they lean in to listen, or are they buried in notetaking?
  • Whose side are they on? (A safe therapist should be on your side, yet able to challenge unhealthy habits. There’s a difference between being able to challenge a client’s actions and being able to embrace their experiences as real and valid.)
  • What type of experience/specialized training do they have? Does it align with family systems issues or trauma? If not, it’s okay to ask for a referral.
  • How much will this cost me? Not every provider is contracted with insurance, or possibly not with your insurance. If you can’t afford to see the provider regularly, it will be challenging to make progress. Not impossible but challenging. Not sure how to find out who might be contracted with your insurance? Call the member services number on the back of your insurance card and ask for a list of contracted mental health providers.

Consider looking for a counselor via Psychology Today, Therapist.com, or TherapyDen. If you’re an adult child, look for counselors who specialize in trauma and family therapy even if you plan to do individual counseling sessions. And of course, if you are open to telehealth and reside in Washington State, send me a message to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation at ceci@cecigarrett.com!

Ceci Garrett