Seeking Healing From Outside

Seeking Healing From Outside

When I was a kid, I was taught that wrongs should be righted. If someone hit you on the playground, the expectation was that the other child would approach you, apologize for their behavior, and that a responsible adult would further punish the child for their crime. At times, this is the way life is scripted and carried out. When someone does something wrong, others see, and we work to correct the offense. We take care of the hurt one even while we punish the offender.

But what happens when no one sees the offense?

Healing Outside
Photo by Hossein Ezzatkhah at Unsplash

The sense of injustice when someone hurts you and the offense is unseen, never recognized, and justice is not served is crushing.

Who tends to the wound if no one has seen the cut, or bruise, or verbal lashing out?

Who punishes the offender when no one else has witnessed the harm done?

How does the child trust that they are safe, that they will be protected, or that justice will be done when unseen offenses occur?

Yet this is just what happens for many children who are wounded by those who are expected to be their protectors: their parents. Although physical abuse and neglect may become apparent to outsiders, the number of children who are abused or neglected yet remain undetected remains unknown. Those children who endure verbal, emotional, or psychological abuse and neglect may only be revealed years later.

The Walking Wounded

The walking wounded, these children whose abuse has remained undetected, carry around pain, shame, guilt, and blame. They grow into adulthood with skewed views of themselves, struggling to develop healthy interpersonal relationships, and experiencing long-term depression, anxiety, or addictive behaviors. The world has proven to them to be the same as their abusers: undependable, fickle, and distant.

What if the wounded one is you? How can you right the wrong, find justice, begin healing?

The process begins by exploring and telling your story. The traumatic experiences of childhood abuse and neglect, or parentification for others, robs the child of her story and voice. The emotions of this little one were not considered, given space to be expressed and tended to openly. Telling the story requires a hearer, someone that we can safely tell what happened.

Healing often looks different than we hope, and often occurs apart from those who wounded us.

Finding a Safe Helper

Finding someone who can be trusted is difficult for adults who grew up in abusive, neglectful homes, or whose role was to care exclusively for their parent. Their inner compass doesn’t point north the way it should. Although not all therapists are safe people, it’s often a great place to start.

How can you know if someone is safe? Trust your gut. Clinically, we call this congruence (incongruence). We’ve been told to ignore or stuff these warnings by many people. Let’s be clear, the unsafe people force us to quiet or ignore our gut because it’s only when we do that they can gain power and maintain control.

This can be challenging because the child of abuse, neglect, or parentification has had to quiet their intuition to survive. Some questions to ask yourself when meeting with a therapist for the first time include:

  • How do I feel around this person? Though we’ve often been told to ignore our “gut” (clinically we call this congruence/incongruence) in childhood, listen to it here.
  • What is their demeanor when I talk? Do they lean in to listen, or are they buried in notetaking?
  • Whose side are they on? (A safe therapist should be on your side, yet able to challenge unhealthy habits. There’s a difference between being able to challenge a client’s actions and being able to embrace their experiences as real and valid.)
  • What type of experience/specialized training do they have? Does it align with family systems issues or trauma? If not, it’s okay to ask for a referral.
  • How much will this cost me? Not every provider is contracted with insurance, or possibly not with your insurance. If you can’t afford to see the provider regularly, it will be challenging to make progress. Not impossible but challenging. Not sure how to find out who might be contracted with your insurance? Call the member services number on the back of your insurance card and ask for a list of contracted mental health providers.

Consider looking for a counselor via Psychology Today, Therapist.com, or TherapyDen. If you’re an adult child, look for counselors who specialize in trauma and family therapy even if you plan to do individual counseling sessions. And of course, if you are open to telehealth and reside in Washington State, send me a message to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation at ceci@cecigarrett.com!

Ceci Garrett
Video: If your parent hoards

Video: If your parent hoards

Many children and adult children live with a dirty family secret: they grew up with a parent who hoards (PWH). If this is you, what are you responsible for and how do you want others to view you? A few words of wisdom, knowledge and encouragement from someone who’s been there personally and professionally.

What is your greatest concern about dealing with your PWH?

Ceci Garrett
Vlog: It’s not my fault!

Vlog: It’s not my fault!

Many adult children have been forced to take the blame and responsibility for things that their PWH did (or didn’t do) unfairly. We’ve been told that it’s our fault that things are the way they are. Sometimes this is clearly spoken, other times it is inferred. Although as children we didn’t have a choice or say in these things, once we begin to recognize that things aren’t right, we are responsible for what we continue to allow to happen in our relationships and lives. This is especially true in our relationships with our PWH. Setting boundaries is foreign to us! We weren’t allowed to do this growing up. So where do we begin? Whose fault is it? How are we going to start setting boundaries? How will we know if a boundary is right for us?

Musings about taking responsibility when it’s not our fault.
Ceci Garrett

Don’t miss my TedXSpokane “Hoarding as a Mental Health Issue“!

Poem: If Only You Would Change

Poem: If Only You Would Change

I always felt out of place,
Like I didn’t belong here.The ones who were supposed to love and protect me—
Didn’t.
Instead, I was told how far I came from measuring up
To their expectations. How taking care of me
Was simply too much for them.
The accusation was heavy:
If it weren’t for you…
This,
And this,
And even this…
Wouldn’t be like this.

So, I apologized for breathing,
For existing and having needs
Until I stopped expressing them.
I fixed my mind on fixing them,
On making them happy
And slowly I lost me.

I dreamed that one day I would matter,
That I would have a voice,
A right to personal happiness.
But first, I must find a way to fix them.
Before I could truly live, I should find a way—
To change them.
If only they would change–
I would matter,
Have a right to dream and play,
To laugh or to cry for shattered dreams.

I had changed.
I’d become like them.
I couldn’t bear the realization—
I was now breathing their poison, hoping others would change.

Instead, I decided to rebel the best way I knew:
I changed me. And stopped looking to them to change,
Or to validate,
Love,
Accept,
Approve,
Or even see the real me.

That girl is worth the hard work
Of digging out from beneath the wreckage,
Trash and “treasures” of their illness,
Abuse, neglect, and ignorance.

She is prized.
I set her carefully as the focus.
I made choices to make her my center,
To love and cherish,
To build up and protect,
To care for and adore.
If only you would change, they said.

I did. And now their opinions no longer matter to me.

Ceci Garrett

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Eight Downloads!

Eight Downloads!

Despite some initial fear and trepidation, I launched my professional website and the free workbook I created on Monday. The result? Eight downloads! On Monday alone, eight individuals took advantage of this free workbook. Eight people found a resource to help them consider the choice to take on the various issues that may arise as they help a parent who hoards (PWH).

Why Eight Matters

For those who’ve grown up with a PWH, there are currently very few resources that consider our experiences and needs. Few studies have focused specifically on the children who grew up with a PWH. Frustratingly, little professional focus has turned to acknowledge what our experiences may have been like. We feel invisible.

Yet, there are a lot of us here.

If hoarding disorder impacts 3-5% of the population, or approximately 15 million Americans, the number of children who’ve grown up amidst the clutter piles created by a PWH is likely very large also. Consequently, the number of adults anxiously awaiting the day when their PWH goes into crisis is much larger than eight. Much, much larger.

Since change typically starts small, let’s celebrate EIGHT. Ultimately, the eight folks that were helped by downloading the free workbook on Monday are on the verge of something new.

They are beginning to feel heard, to have their challenges seen and addressed.

What a win!?! Eight downloads of the workbook means that eight people now have a tool in their hands to help them find a voice and make better decisions.

THAT is so exciting! Thank you.

Ceci Garrett

Didn’t get the workbook yet? Sign up here!