Embracing a New Perspective

by Ceci G. | Sep 17, 2012 | COH, healing, recovery

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here  Today, I thought that it might be helpful to share a bit of what’s going on in my life. Fortunately, it’s not a bad thing. That said, it involves an element of change that I’m finding tough: embracing a new perspective about myself. In other words, I am learning to embrace “the real Ceci G”, and become comfortable with who she is. Part of this requires me to define what I am not while also looking more realistically at what I can become. It’s as if, in some ways, I’m looking at the whole world in a new perspective simply by looking once again at me.

Things have remained busy here. For example, I continue to work on my degree, as well as working tirelessly advocating for families like mine. Fortunately, I’m on track to graduate and with good grades. As a result, I’ve been attempting to integrate some feedback from others about my grades and accomplishments.

Although I was a good student in elementary and middle school, I struggled with some issues outside of school during high school which impacted my grades. Combined with some projecting of negative statements from my PWH, I had concluded that I am not really that smart or capable. As an example of these negative statements, my PWH would often say things like, For someone so smart that was really stupid. Certainly, it’s no surprise that I chose to pick up on the overarching trends: I somehow am less than I should be, or altogether too much and too complicated.

The Challenge

A year ago, a mentor of mine told me that I was extremely capable and intelligent. Because she’s someone I respect and deeply value her thoughts and opinions, I wanted to believe her. Additionally, she told me that whatever I chose to do with my life, I would be successful. Truthfully, I wonder if it was a warning to choose carefully. Whatever I would go after, she concluded, I would excel.

At first, the comment was embarrassing. Honestly, I didn’t even know how to take it. Possibly, I eeked out an awkward, “Thank you.”

The seed was planted. Although I still hadn’t really taken this statement into myself and integrated it into my self-concept, it was there. Slowly, it’s been growing  little by little.

Most of the things that contribute to our self-concept, self-worth, and self-esteem are based on interpretations of what others tell us about ourselves. Sometimes this feedback is crap–not worth the air used to share it. Sometimes it comes in a mixed form, and we are unable to sort out truth in the middle of ambiguity. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us at all!

As children, we are especially limited in our ability to discern what is what. We often pick up inaccurate messages, internalize them, and they become who we believe we are. Inadvertently, we carry these messages with us into adulthood. If we’re lucky, we may hit the bottom in some way and realize that something is not quite right. If we’re blessed, we may decide to look inward and search for a “healthier and more beneficial” way of being. And if we are truly persistent, we can uncover our true worth and identity.

Testing a new perspective

When the seed was first planted, it just was there. Yet, with time, I have looked at others’ thoughts and words spoken to me or over my achievements.

I am learning to weigh and integrate new information. When someone makes a statement, about me or anything/anyone else, I am trying to start evaluating it critically. Cautiously, I turned things around and looked at them logically first.

What motive could others have for their words? How likely is it that repeated statements are true even if I struggle to accept them? What kind of risk would I be taking to integrate these positive thoughts into my self-concept? How would they benefit from my adoption of a more positive self-evaluation? Would I benefit from it? Is this an emotion, subjective to each person’s perspective, or a potential factual statement? Could this be true of someone else? If so, could it also be true of me?

Adoption and Integration

At times, it has seemed arrogant to choose to believe these new perspectives. That’s part of the challenge, learning to let go of broken narratives. Yet, I’ve begun to see that it’s quite possible that I am as smart, capable, gifted, and patient as people are telling me. I’m beginning to see that some of those whose opinions I’ve valued most were simply those who were the best at hiding their underlying motivations.

A commitment to accepting new information as plausible or true takes time. I keep practicing my new narrative. I can be quite intelligent, gifted, and patient while also still making my fair share of mistakes. One does not discredit the others completely. Brilliant people have bad days and make bad choices. Some dense people have amazing advisers and are wildly successful despite not being the most brilliant person in the room. Most things, it turns out, are not “either or” circumstances.

Adoption requires courage. It takes chutzpah to commit to claiming a new perspective about yourself, especially when the narrative has been distorted for a long time. Integration requires persistence and patience. Change doesn’t occur immediately. I find I must remind myself of these new facts and interpretations repeatedly before they take root and sprout. That requires effort over time.

What new information are you trying to integrate about your self? Where are you feeling stuck? What’s been helpful in your process?