Celebrating!

by | Sep 16, 2022 | COH, hoarding, recovery

I just wanted to take a brief pause to stop and celebrate the reach of the Parents Who Hoard guided workbook that I released in May. To date, more than 100 individuals have downloaded the free workbook. That means that 100 people have gained access to a practical resource that can help them pre-plan a future intervention with a parent who hoards (PWH). This is something to celebrate!

Why celebrate this? For many reasons.

For those who grow up in a household where a parent’s hoarding is a mitigating factor, there are often unique cultures that exist invisibly. Cultural norms such as birthday parties, holiday celebrations, and such may not have found room in these households. (We once had a Christmas tree on display for a decade…talk about falling outside of cultural norms!)

So learning to celebrate things that seem obvious to others is new for us. I hosted my very first birthday party this summer. I was celebrating my 46th birthday. Yet the idea of throwing my own party and having people choose to come to celebrate with me was new. It was a great experience.

So today, won’t you pause and find a way to celebrate?

I’m excited that the workbook reaches those who need help and hope. So I’m celebrating that.

What are you going to celebrate today? I’d love to hear about your growth and healing!

Ceci Garrett
TEDx does Hoarding by Yours Truly

TEDx does Hoarding by Yours Truly

by | Jan 19, 2016 | awareness, clutter, COH, hoarding, too much stuff

I’m so excited to share this with you. Tedx has been one of the most amazing experiences I’ve had!

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Forgive me! You’ve been so kind to follow and read my posts in the past. I’ve been busy. Not too busy for my readers; I deeply appreciate you. Just busy.

Last fall, I committed to speak at conferences in Washington State and California on the lasting effects of growing up with a parent who hoards (PWH). It was tough to speak on such a personal topic. Fortunately, I know you understand.

Before things with my PWH happened back in 2009 and our appearances on “Hoarders“, I had never done any public speaking. Sure, I had taken the required public speaking class in college, but I’d had no opportunity to put those experiences into use beyond my education. Now, I speak all the time. I’ve gotten opportunities to speak to many different groups: social workers, municipal employees and agencies, mental health providers, the community-at-large, and to magazine, TV news, and newspaper reporters.

But recently, I took on a new stage, literally, at TedxSpokane–‘Knowing It Again.’ How appropriate is that theme? So many people think they “get” hoarding, but so few really understand what it means to grow up with a hoarding parent (HP). Mistakenly, many people think it’s all about the stuff that filled our childhood homes.

Why did I decide to do this?

I did it for you in hopes you might have a voice. Additionally, I did it for your friends so that they make better understand what we’ve been through and are still dealing with. As well, I did this for your PWH that don’t yet recognize that there’s a problem and that they need help. Finally, I did it for our children because I believe that their generation can be better and healthier than we area.

Please feel free to share this. As far as I can tell, this is the first Ted Talk done specifically on hoarding. Our message needs to get out.

Not just my story.

Your story.

OUR STORIES.

Change begins with stories told and shared. Let’s start a movement!

Yours,

Ceci Garrett

Film Review: CLUTTER

Film Review: CLUTTER

by | Jun 18, 2013 | clutter, codependency, COH, hoarding

Clutter-Film by Paul Marcarelli, Diane Crespo (director)

I was fortunate to get the opportunity to attend the world premiere of Paul Marcarelli’s new film, Clutter. Here’s my review of the film.

After the world premiere screening, Paul Marcarelli, the screenwriter of Clutter, shared with the audience in Seattle that he originally had planned to write a film about a home stager attempting to break into her career. Instead, Marcarelli created a film that attempts to capture hoarding disorder (HD) and the effects of living in and growing up in a hoarded home.
The film gives us a glimpse into the lives of the Bradford family. The Bradfords are really not much different than most other American families, searching for the next “thing” to make them feel good enough, safe enough, something enough. The matriarch of the Bradford family is Linda, masterfully portrayed by Carol Kane (Taxi, Beetlejuice) whose “collection-ing” is intensified by a traumatic life event. Now, Linda (Kane) is left to raise three children in a home that has everything except enough room to breathe.

“You’ll have to take me out of here kicking and screaming!” -Linda Bradford

An unusual event draws the attention of outsiders, leading to the threat of Linda’s home being condemned due to the overflow of Linda’s possessions. Faced with the risk of becoming homeless, Charlie (Joshua Leonard), Lisa (Natasha Lyonne), and Penny (Halley Feiffer) work to remedy the home situation. This is a feat that can only be managed while keeping Linda away from the house and distracted. Linda’s adult children attempt to clear the hoard from the family’s home.
The effects of hoarding disorder on Linda and her children is perfectly captured and communicated as real dysfunction that impacts every area of their lives, not simply their interactions with each other and in the home. Offering a fresh glimpse into the effects of a home that contains no safe place for anyone, the film offers a peek into the reality of life with a parent who hoards for many families. There’s simply no place to rest and renew. The effects of this are all-encompassing.
I deeply appreciate Kane’s portrayal of the eccentricities of the hoarding-disordered mother. I was not surprised by this, as Kane is known for her ability to play off-the-wall characters. Personally, I can’t imagine offering this role to another actress. I have been told my mother, my parent who hoards, reminds many people of Kane. Not to be ignored, Leonard walks the fine line of dysfunction, angry brother, and enabling son with the finesse of a child who has lived this lifestyle. Additionally, Lyonne and Feiffer deliver solid performances of the black sheep and the invisible child, respectively.
Perhaps what this film does best is to present a less triggering portrayal of a family affected by hoarding disorder than has been previously brought to the masses. Rest assured the home is sufficiently cluttered to merit the destruction of healthy relationships as witnessed in this family, but also know that gross filth, extreme personality-disordered parenting, and unlikable characters are absent.
The film remains entertaining, utilizing humor to balance such a serious topic without degrading the harsh realities of the family dynamic to overt comedy. Other moments captured the dirty aspects of life perfectly, revealing broken interactions that brought this adult daughter to tears. Although the film’s purpose is not to educate, Marcarelli and Diane Crespo (director) created a film that offers a truly realistic look into the home situation in hoarding disorder.
Have you seen the film? What were your thoughts?
Ceci Garrett

An Open Letter to Mental Health Providers

An Open Letter to Mental Health Providers

by | Oct 27, 2011 | awareness, COH, hoarding, recovery

To Whom It May Concern:

Recently, it has come to my attention that many of you have been contacted or seen a patient whose parent is a hoarder. Shockingly, I keep hearing that there are still mental health providers who are treating clients with hoarding despite very few of you completing the training recommended by the International OCD Foundation and the researchers who are treating this.

Fortunately, I believe that you are well-meaning. Because I’m a glass half full kind of gal, until proven otherwise, I will believe that your intention is to help people. Yet, inadvertently, you are hurting a block of society. Additionally, you may be violating your respective licensure’s Code of Ethics regarding competent practice.

Did you really say that?

In addition, I’m horrified by how many adult children report their inappropriate experiences disclosing how they grew up. Although I understand that it may surprise you when the adult child of a hoarder comes to you and describes the filth and hell that they grew up in, no matter how surprised you are, it is inappropriate to say, “Oh my goodness!” with a look of shock and horror plastered across your face. Sadly, this this type of response is exactly what we fear the most: shock and horror. In so doing, you are furthering shame, blame, and guilt that has never been ours to carry. Please respect how difficult it is to show up in someone’s office and betray our family by sharing this closely guarded secret.

Hoarding Indicates Mental Illness

Please understand that our parents are mentally ill. That means that the large accumulation of stuff is ONLY a symptom of the mental illness. Additionally, co-morbidity rates for those who hoard is very high. One study indicates that more than 50% of those who hoard have major depression. If you can, ask the adult children of hoarders and many will tell you that their parents are narcissistic, borderline, or even bipolar. Thus, the large accumulation of stuff is almost insignificant compared to the emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse and neglect that go on inside of these homes.

Take a Walk in our Shoes

Imagine for a moment that you place an 18 month old child in the hoard. Where does this child play? Does he/she do so safely? Are they limited to small areas of the house? Is nutritious food easily accessible? Is normal personal hygiene practiced?

Now, imagine that 18 month old has grown up some. She’s now 15 years old. Sadly, her own bedroom has long ago become packed with things that belong to her hoarding parent. Thus, she cannot close her door. As well, she has no desk to sit at to study, no place that is uniquely hers–a refuge during the turbulent years of adolescence. Also consider that the bathroom, if functional at all, is disgusting. Mom and Dad may control her access and usage of the facilities. Likely, if she is using them, there is still no privacy; Mom may barge in at any moment.

As a result, she has no friends over to the house. How could she? If she were allowed, which she isn’t, she would be mortified to let the kids at school know how she lived. Often, she will have mastered the fine art of dodging the truth, telling half-truths and becoming a split-personality. She never tells her friends how she really lives, feels, or dreams. Those truths are not safe; she learned this long ago.

Seek Training, Do Better

When you get the opportunity to hear a speaker on the issue of hoarding, please take it. Ask questions. Real questions, even the ones that are embarrassing to ask. The only dumb question is the one that remains unasked. And if you don’t have the opportunity to do this, find a way. Contact the Children of Hoarders’ website and find out if there is someone local who would speak to you in person, and if not, by phone. I personally have no issue talking about all the nitty-gritty, dirty, shameful, and embarrassing stuff. I am happy to do presentations for CEUs. But I’m not the only one who does this.

Please be aware that this is not a new issue. But awareness is still very new. Think of the child of an alcoholic back in the 1960s. They were terrified to talk about the family secret. They longed to be heard, acknowledged, and encouraged. We, as children of hoarders, are much the same.

Thank you for letting me share this with you.
Ceci Garrett

Do I hoard?

Do I hoard?

by | Dec 24, 2009 | COH, hoarding

After revealing that my mother has hoarding disorder and that she was once featured on the show Hoarders, I almost inevitably get asked: Do you a hoard too?

My response is simple: No.

My house is not perfect, but it is a long way from ever being considered overly cluttered. I’ll admit that I secretly wish it to looked like it jumped out of the pages of IKEA. However, I am not that organized and together. Like most, our family has several spots that collect things. For example, the desk seems to be the catch all for everything anyone doesn’t know where to put. Likewise, the top shelf of the bookcase is usually covered with keys and other random objects as pockets are emptied coming in the front door. But for the most part, my home is no different than yours. We have six active children, and our home represents this well!But several days ago, I had a moment of insight. I was struggling once again with the order of my living room when I realized something very deep and very important.

My conclusions

Because of how I grew up, because of the past hurts, because of present insecurities, I have an unusually strong desire to have a perfect home. Why? I am worried that somehow I might become a hoarder too. This fear drives me to some stinking thinking.

I believe that if my home is perfect, then no one will notice that I am a wreck on the inside.

I know this isn’t a rational thought. Honestly, it sounds kind of stupid. How could a house represent my mind and heart’s state? But growing up, I learned that part of the way to keep people from prying into our lives and finding out the family secret was to be “put together” on the outside. When you were clean, nicely dressed, well-prepared for school with a neat, organized notebook and homework done, you dodged the bullet. Teachers and classmates were very unaware that my home was the complete opposite of how I presented myself.

I did a great job of hiding the secret.

But while I hid the secret of our mess, I struggled to know who I was. The little girl who felt pain, anxiety, and deep fear of her home being discovered for what it was, also felt that who she really was must be covered up also. Not only was my house in a shambles, my little heart was too. Although I longed to reveal the true state of my heart, it was not safe to do it.

Surveying my house

This morning I took a look around to survey the house.

In the aftermath of movie night, I awoke to find that the kids who stayed up after we went to bed hadn’t picked up after themselves. They left the plastic containers from their McDonald’s hot fudge sundaes on the kitchen table. Similarly, there were various toys, papers, and clothing strewn across the living room floor. In a rush, we haphazardly tossed some puzzles on the desk to keep our youngest daughter from getting them. It’s a little bit like chaos. But it’s manageable.

Today, in a rare moment of clarity, I did not freak out when I got up and saw this. Honestly, this is how my heart looks most days. I know inside my heart there are empty wrappers shed from happy memories of the past, strewn here and there. In the excitement of those moments, my heart stayed in the moment and some things got dropped. Gratefully, I am aware that I have moments of joy (toys), moments of revelation (papers), and coping devices (clothing) are filling my heart. If you had the power to see in there, you might say it’s a bit of a mess right now.

My internal state

I have learned that no matter how clean my house is, my heart is always in process. Sometimes, I go through periods of great growth and change. In those moments, my heart is the messiest. But no matter how clean my house is, it will never arrange and tidy up my heart. And that’s okay.

Some days, I stop for a moment and do a deep cleaning of my heart. I take the time to look really deep, going through the recesses within my heart. Often I find treasures stored there and sometimes I find junk. The treasures are the things that have made me a better person. The junk is the broken thought processes that keep me bound to the past and to negative thoughts.

I’m learning that just as I go through and clean my house, I can go through, sort, and toss the things that keep me weighed down to something less than what I wish to be.  I can put good memories on shelves to display (sharing good memories with my children). In the same way, I can choose to donate experiences that were helpful to me for learning something (encouraging others and sharing my story). Likewise, I can throw out the junk and trash (acceptance and forgiving myself and others).

Do I hoard? Yes. I hoard emotions, both negative and positive ones. Recently, I have been holding them tightly, especially the bad ones . In the same way that a compulsive hoarder can be taught new patterns and thought processes, so can the little girl within me. Slowly, each moment, each day, I am making a difference in my hoarded emotions.

Sadly, It’s not going to be done tomorrow. Though I would rather have it done all at once, I recognize and embrace the importance of the process and respect that it may take a lifetime to complete. I know it’s worth the hard work. Even if I struggle at times, I will not give up until it’s done.

Ceci Garrett

About me

About me

by | Dec 23, 2009 | COH, hoarding

Today is the day I choose to take a stand for myself. *laughing* That almost sounds as though I am spineless and that I lay down and become a doormat whenever anything comes against me. That’s not entirely true. But, it’s not entirely untrue either.

My name is Ceci. I was born some 30+ years ago to a single mom. My dad chose, and has chosen again and again, not to be a part of our lives. Obviously, I am an only child. I like to joke that I was so perfect that they didn’t want to mess things up by having another kid. That is totally untrue. But sometimes, I find humor helps me cope with pain. It doesn’t change reality but opens the door to different perspectives: things that could have been.

Some of you may have arrived here, at my little blog, because of my appearance with my mother on a show called “Hoarders”. That is a part of my story. But it is not my whole story. And in fact, only recently have I realized that the clean up of my mother’s hoard was not the neat and tidy end of the story, but really only the beginning of MY story. (more…)