Whose Problem is it Anyway?

by admin | Jan 2, 2023 | Uncategorized

 One of the most challenging aspects of having a family member or other loved one who hoards is that they often don’t see their relationship with their things and the condition of their house as being problematic. If there is a problem, it is not the person who is acquiring and saving but others’ views of what is happening. At least, that’s how it often plays out.

In families affected by hoarding, an unhealthy family dynamic often exists. We don’t talk about the problem. We don’t trust outsiders with the information. We don’t allow ourselves to feel deeply what is is happening in our households. Many families begin a complicated dance with those who hoard (TWH), a construct called accommodation.

To be clear, if you have a parent or other older family member who was responsible for raising you, accommodation may look like abuse and/or neglect at times. In these settings, accommodation is NOT something that is actively chosen. Even in marital relationships, accommodation occurs that may not be equated with choice.

Accommodation, I believe, is well-meaning. Most of us dislike seeing others struggle or in pain and conflict. Because this is uncomfortable to watch, we shift our behaviors and let down our boundaries to make “the other person feel better.” Yet there are times when discomfort is absolutely necessary for others to experience! If we accommodate their avoidance behaviors and/or reward boundary violations, we may be robbing them of the natural consequences of their anxiety or other uncomfortable emotional states that would propel them toward the treatment that they need.

As adult children, it is never our responsibility to accommodate our parent’s mental illness, especially when doing so puts our own physical, emotional, psychological, and financial health at risk. Even as spouses or siblings, it is not ours to take control of a problematic situation to make those who hoard (TWH) more comfortable.

Discomfort is a normative part of life that precipitates change and drives growth. Pain indicates a need for healing. What if we have been raised to reduce or remediate the very situations that might drive those who hoard (TWH) to get professional care? What if my need to fix or rescue my parent who hoards (PWH) or other person with hoarding behaviors is a distraction from the real problem? For sure, there are instances where we must act to protect the innocent or vulnerable from abuse and neglect, but there are ways to do this while still holding those who hoard (TWH) responsible for dealing with their mental illness.

How were you taught to accommodate those who hoard (TWH) in your family? What does that look like? Whose problem is the hoarding? Who is actively taking responsibility for it? How does this need to change?

 

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Video: If your parent hoards

by admin | Jun 11, 2022 | Uncategorized

Many children and adult children live with a dirty family secret: they grew up with a parent who hoards (PWH). If this is you, what are you responsible for and how do you want others to view you? A few words of wisdom, knowledge and encouragement from someone who’s been there personally and professionally.

What is your greatest concern about dealing with your PWH?

It’s About Time

by admin | May 16, 2022 | Uncategorized

The first article about compulsive hoarding was published in 1996. In 2013, the APA published the most recent version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) which made Hoarding Disorder (HD) its own separate diagnosis. Yet, here, in 2022, there remains a dearth of resources or research focused on the impacts of parental hoarding on the children who grow up in. Personally, I think it’s about time that changes.

For this reason, I’m launching my professional website which includes a revamped blog about my experiences dealing with a parent who hoards (PWH) and a free resource for adult children who are facing the challenging choice to be involved with their PWH’s ongoing care.

A brief history

In 2009, my mother slid off of her hospital commode–her command station–amongst the piles of trash and treasures she’d amassed throughout her lifetime. As a result, I found myself staring down the painful choice to get involved or not. At that time, I didn’t perceive that I had any other decision that I could make. Thus, I took on my PWH’s complex issues mostly alone.

Without the public support of the crew involved with A&E’s Hoarders, I would have been at a loss. At that time, I could find very few resources available to deal with mother’s hoarding. Still, I decided to do what I could.

Unsurprisingly, I found that my decision to get involved cost me and my own family too much. For example, I spent precious time flying across the country to deal with problems that resulted from my PWH’s previous decisions. Due to my involvement in my PWH’s care, I missed out on important milestones with my own children. More importantly, my near pathological drive to save my PWH from her own mental illness deeply impacted by own mental well-being, re-triggering events from my childhood.

Childhood trauma

Like many of you, my dear readers, I endured adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) as a result of having a PWH. As it turns out, one of the risk factors of experiencing ACEs is having a parent with a mental illness. Logically, a parent with even a mild mental health disorder may not be capable of nurturing and protecting a child. Additionally, studies indicate that families impacted by parental mental illness include unhealthy characteristics such as enmeshment, trauma bonding, and parentification.

To be sure, I am not proposing that a PWH sets out to abuse their children or be neglectful parents. Instead, it may be near impossible for them to provide their children with the basic necessities for a healthy upbringing. Children need structure and consistency that may be lacking in families impacted by hoarding. Sadly, many children will seek escape elsewhere when the conditions in the home aren’t ideal, often at the risk of personal safety. Certainly, finding a place to fit in is challenging for most teens. Those who have been socially isolated by parental hoarding and mental illness may face greater challenges.

Taking a stand

Still today, shockingly few resources exist for families and especially adult children dealing with a PWH. Since 2009, I have done what I can to get trained and work with families and adult children.

I cannot stress it enough: too much time has passed without much in the way of practical resources being developed. Consequently, I created the free workbook for adult children. Be sure to download and share this blog with other adult children, therapists, and social services employees.

It’s time for that to change. To that end, I am launching my professional page and blog which focuses on a unique expert view on hoarding, from the experience of an adult child and clinical social worker.

Questions we need to answer (still)

• How long will it take for our communities to develop adequate services to identify young families where parental hoarding poses a significant risk to the health of the family and children?
• When will the focus on hoarding disorder include a focus on the significant impacts to the health of children across their lifetime?
• When will the experience of those raised by a PWH be the driving focus of research and intervention?

I believe it’s time to address these questions. Not later. Now.

Ultimately, I am working to bring a balanced view of hoarding within families to the forefront of the narrative. To do this, I will continue to write and speak about our unique experiences and knowledge of what hoarding is like for those who have no voice or say in the matter. Humbly, I hope that by sharing both my personal and professional experiences together, a better conversation will begin.

I am working to give children, like myself, a voice and a seat at the table. This is my deepest desire both personally and professionally. I can’t do this kind of work alone, so I welcome your feedback.