Hoarding Disorder: Whose Problem is it Anyway?
Ever come home from visiting with family and wondered why you felt like someone else’s hoarding was your issue to deal with? I mean, whose problem is the hoarding disorder anyway?
One of the most challenging aspects of having a family member or other loved one who hoards is that they often fail to recognize the problems in their relationship with their belongings and the condition of their home. If there is a problem, it is not the person who is acquiring and saving, but others’ views of what is happening. At least, that’s how it often plays out.
In families affected by hoarding disorder, an unhealthy family dynamic often exists. We don’t talk about the problem. We don’t trust outsiders with the information. We don’t allow ourselves to feel deeply what is happening in our households. Many families begin a complicated dance with the person who hoards (PWH), a construct called accommodation.
TL; DR: Family members often find themselves changing their behaviors to keep from upsetting the person who hoards, bearing the brunt of the hoarding problem. This may be necessary in chlidhood (for COH), yet accommodation takes away natural consequences that might force the person who hoards to seek or accept help.
To be clear, if you have a parent or other older family member who was responsible for raising you, accommodation may look like abuse and/or neglect at times. In these settings, accommodation is NOT something that is actively chosen. Even in marital relationships, accommodation occurs that may not be equated with choice.
Accommodation: Making Their Problem Our Own
Accommodation, I believe, is well-meaning. Most of us dislike seeing others struggle or in pain and conflict. Because this is uncomfortable to watch, we shift our behaviors and let down our boundaries to make “the other person feel better.” Yet there are times when discomfort is necessary for others to experience! If we accommodate their avoidance behaviors and/or reward boundary violations, we may be robbing them of the natural consequences of their anxiety or other uncomfortable emotional states that would propel them toward the treatment that they need.
As adult children, it is never our responsibility to accommodate our parents’ mental illness, especially when doing so puts our own physical, emotional, psychological, and financial health at risk. Even as spouses or siblings, it is not ours to take control of a problematic situation to make the person who hoards (PWH) more comfortable.
Discomfort is a normative part of life that precipitates change and drives growth. Pain indicates a need for healing. What if we have been raised to reduce or remediate the very situations that might drive the person who hoards (PWH) to get professional care? What if my need to fix or rescue my parent who hoards (PWH) or another person with hoarding behaviors is a distraction from the real problem? For sure, there are instances where we must act to protect the innocent or vulnerable from abuse and neglect, but there are ways to do this while still holding the person who hoard (PWH) responsible for dealing with their mental health issues: hoarding disorder.
How were you taught to accommodate the person who hoards (PWH) in your family? What does that look like? Whose problem is the hoarding disorder? Who is actively taking responsibility for it? How does this need to change?
