Hoarding Help: Strategies for Supporting Loved Ones

If you have a parent who hoards (PWH) but struggle to communicate with them in a way that allows them to accept hoarding help, this AMA video offers practical, compassionate guidance for offering support.

 Watch: AMA on Getting Them to Accept Help & Find Resources

In this video, Ceci Garrett, a clinical social worker and adult child with a PWH, answers a website visitor’s question on how to navigate conversations that lead to help-seeking and avoid shutting down the conversation. Because most families struggle with these conversations and few resources exist, hoarding issues weigh heavily on family members who may not want or be able to help. Without hoarding help, issues often lead to mental health crises or health/safety risks within the home.

What You’ll Learn in this AMA

• Why people who hoard avoid help
• Communication techniques that actually work
• How to find qualified hoarding help
• Tips for approaching sensitive conversations

Why people who hoard avoid help

There are a lot of reasons why people refuse hoarding help. Many times, folks with hoarding behaviors have tried to dig their way out from under the clutter for years or decades without success. They may or may not have experienced shame and embarrassment in relationships because of the condition of their home. The combination of failed attempts, shame, and embarrassment may make reaching out for professional hoarding help feel too hard. 

Other times, because the clutter creeps in slowly, folks who hoard develop “clutter blindness,” which gives their nervous system a reprieve from the overwhelming levels of clutter. This is not unlike the habituation that happens about an hour after we put on a fragrance, where our nose stops paying attention until there’s something new unless we make a conscious effort to check or pay attention to the scent. Folks who no longer see the severity of their clutter levels are unlikely to see a need to seek hoarding help.

Communication that actually works

Effective communication to help someone with hoarding behaviors that are becoming a safety issue seek hoarding help from a therapist or other experienced professional focuses on concerns besides their stuff, possessions, or treasures. The best conversations are focused on the overall health and wellbeing of the person themselves.

“I’ve noticed you seem quite overwhelmed, Mom, and have been running late to our lunches. How are you, really?” is a great way to start a conversation that shifts to more open dialogue.

We LEAP to communicate.

Listen first. What are their concerns and desires? What problems do they identify? (Yes, these may not be related to the hoarding, but when we listen first we can often move through effective conversation to deeper conversation where we may be able to join our goals with theirs.)

Empathize. When we empathize with their identified challenges and goals, we are trying to see their perspective and to feel the same emotions that they feel. “You said you’re worried that Aunt Sarah won’t be able to stay here next summer and that you are already overwhelmed and exhausted without trying to get the house ready.”

Agree. Once we’ve been able to hear and understand the emotions and experiences behind their concerns and resistance, we can choose to agree with their goals. “It’s really important to you that you can have Aunt Sarah help. You just don’t know how to make this happen given the stress and fatigue you’ve been having.”

Finally, we attempt to partner. Our partnership focuses on meeting their needs yet may allow us to resolve some of our own concerns. “Who might be able to help you get ready for Aunt Sarah’s visit?” or, “Would it be helpful if I came over on Saturday morning to help motivate you to start?”

SPECIAL NOTE: There are ways to help folks who hoard that don’t require family members or partners to play a significant role in the decluttering and mental health components. It’s okay to recognize that you may not want to help or feel like you are unable to do so.

How to find qualified help

Finding qualified hoarding help can be challenging! The number of clinicians effectively trained to work with hoarding disorder is quite small. Yet hoarding help is available if you know where to look.

If you’re looking for a mental health provider, consider starting your search at the IOCDF’s “Find A Provider” website, where you can search by location and specialty, including hoarding disorder. Once you’ve found a provider to offer hoarding help, it’s important to vet them through a phone call. 

Consider asking:

• How long have you worked with hoarding behaviors?
• How long do your clients typically work with you?
• How many clients have successfully reduced their hoarding to eliminate health and safety risks long term?
• What kind of consultation and ongoing continuing education do you pursue for working with hoarding?
• What is your primary modality for treating hoarding? 
  (ERP, exposure and response prevention, is not an effective treatment for hoarding unless the person has hoarding behaviors that are specific to OCD. CBT and Compassion-focused therapy are considered the gold-standard treatments and eclectic therapies that integrate somatics work into CBT are often helpful!)

If you’re looking for in-home hoarding help, there are these amazing professionals, called professional organizers (POs), who can be of great value. Just like with mental health professionals, it’s essential to look for POs who have specialized training addressing hoarding behaviors. The Institute for Challenging Disorganization trains POs and has an amazing directory of these folks. Their website allows you to search for hoarding help in your area, selecting professionals who’ve received at least a Level 1 certificate in Hoarding. If there’s not a PO in your area, look for a CVOP (Certified Virtual Organizing Professional) who has completed the Level 1 certificate in Hoarding, also.

Tips for approaching sensitive conversations

The best way to start sensitive conversations to increase the likelihood that your loved one will seek hoarding help is to start from a place of personal humility. Before the conversation, think about something in your own life that you are ashamed of, feel guilty for struggling with, or otherwise don’t like to talk about with others.

How would you want someone to start a conversation with you about that?

That’s the way you want to approach a conversation with your loved one about their hoarding, especially if you want them to begin considering seeking and accepting hoarding help. 

(Also helpful, mirror their language about their possessions. If they use the word stuff, you should use the same word. If it’s treasures, crap, things, friends, use the same terminology.)

Be part of the conversation and Get Support

If you’ve found this video or blog helpful, I hope you’ll consider commenting below with your experiences or even sharing this post on your own social media channels to help others find these resources for hoarding help. It’s difficult to predict who we might know who is desperately looking for these kinds of resources and help.

Please consider sharing the video, commenting in YouTube or subscribing to my channel. 

And, if you have your own probing question about hoarding, consider jumping over to submit yours in my Ask Me Anything page.

More educational and support resources can be found here also.