I always felt out of place,
Like I didn’t belong here.The ones who were supposed to love and protect me—
Didn’t.
Instead, I was told how far I came from measuring up
To their expectations. How taking care of me
Was simply too much for them.
The accusation was heavy:
If it weren’t for you…
This,
And this,
And even this…
Wouldn’t be like this.
So, I apologized for breathing,
For existing and having needs
Until I stopped expressing them.
I fixed my mind on fixing them,
On making them happy
And slowly I lost me.
I dreamed that one day I would matter,
That I would have a voice,
A right to personal happiness.
But first, I must find a way to fix them.
Before I could truly live, I should find a way—
To change them.
If only they would change–
I would matter,
Have a right to dream and play,
To laugh or to cry for shattered dreams.
I had changed.
I’d become like them.
I couldn’t bear the realization—
I was now breathing their poison, hoping others would change.
Instead, I decided to rebel the best way I knew:
I changed me. And stopped looking to them to change,
Or to validate,
Love,
Accept,
Approve,
Or even see the real me.
That girl is worth the hard work
Of digging out from beneath the wreckage,
Trash and “treasures” of their illness,
Abuse, neglect, and ignorance.
She is prized.
I set her carefully as the focus.
I made choices to make her my center,
To love and cherish,
To build up and protect,
To care for and adore.
If only you would change, they said.
I did. And now their opinions no longer matter to me.
